Never in my life have I felt such immense heartbreak and disappointment. Never have I felt like such a complete and total failure, like a loser, like everyone is pointing and laughing behind my back. It is hard to describe the level of despair I felt throughout the month of January. I didn't eat, I lost a dramatic amount of weight, when I did sleep it was not without the help of pills or just me dozing off in the bathroom floor. The toilet had become my best friend, where I threw up everything I managed to choke down. My entire world was flipped upside down, and I honestly thought I was never going to be okay ever again. In the midst of my nightmare my baby sister and her fiancé had just bought and moved into their first home and invited my parents and I to dinner. I love them so much, and I was so happy for them, but not a single ounce of me wanted to be there. I could barely get the energy to put on some clothes, let alone go sit at their home and pretend I wasn't dying inside. Somehow I did it, and I even managed to eat a few bites of dinner too.
That same week it was time to move out. Talk about bizarre. One thing I will remember for the rest of my life is that group of people that dropped everything and came to help me. As I sat in what used to be my bedroom and sobbed, they all moved around me just boxing things up and taking them out. Back to my parents house I went. You couldn't even walk into their house. Boxes and random pieces of furniture cluttered the entry way. It took us two weeks to find everything a place. My parents called just about every two hours to check on me for that first month. They sat on each side of me in my lawyers conference room, they gave me the best advice they could offer and were honestly the only things holding me together.
After seeing my lawyer and setting things in motion, I decided it was time I got my 'happy' back. I just wanted to feel like myself again, but at the same time I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. So like every other girl on the planet who goes through an emotional battle..I visited my hair dresser and told her to get rid of my fake platinum blonde locks and give me back my natural darker ones. We laughed, ate cheesecake, and made fun of my ex. (Yes, I am human.) It was the first time in a long time that I felt at ease. After that things just started to fall into place for me. I reconnected with a friend I really hadn't been close to since high school, and grew even closer to my long time best friend. Together the three of us decided we would make this summer the best yet. I think it's safe to say we accomplished it.
Somewhere between spur of the moment trips to Panama City Beach, to just normal sleepovers and road rides, I felt new again. They showed me that life does go on, and if you want to..you can make it the best life ever. I hope that all my friends know that they honestly healed me. Love absolutely wrecked and destroyed me, but the love of my friends picked me up and put me back together. It feels absolutely amazing to be happy and feel like a normal 22 year old girl. I have my entire life ahead of me, and it looks pretty damn good from where I'm standing.
Below is a song that Katy Perry wrote after her divorce and when I heard it, it absolutely changed me.
{NOTE: This post was in no way about bashing anyone. I will never wish anything but happiness to my ex. Eight months ago I would have thought him leaving was the most cowardly thing a person could do, but now I realize he had to have courage to actually walk away. We both deserved more, and he realized that. We were just two people who grew apart and are better off without each other.}
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